I rode today!

Finally, after many months (last September I think), I rode. My fear had built to the point where I didn't think I could get on a horse at all, even Noble. But I did. My neighbor Yvonne came over, and worked Sailor for quite a while. Sailor apparently thought her life's mission was to lounge around and graze all day, so she wasn't with the program at first, But eventually, she decided it was easier to do what the trainer wanted, instead of fighting it or ignoring her. After she was worked and bathed, Yvonne's husband Kevin did some light ground work with Noble, who was much better than Sailor. She knows what to do, and knows it's much easier to just do the right thing and be done with it. Then I rode her in the arena for a bit. We walked and trotted, even a little pattern. I only got nervous when Noble suddenly put her head down, and I had visions of Sailor doing that last summer just before I was launched. But she was just trying to get rid of a deer fly on her nose. I actually had to work a bit to keep her in the trot, because she was a little tired from her ground work. As frustrating as that is, it's better than trying to hang on when I horse is running away with you, as Yvonne pointed out. The main thing is I rode, even if it was old Noble, and I gained a wee bit of confidence. We'll do it again tomorrow, if the rain holds off.

On the mom front, my mother is doing much better on her new medication. She is happy, in a good mood whenever I visit. She's quite coherent, even if she doesn't always get reality correct. She's so good, she really could go back to assisted living, but unfortunately her money is tied up legally with the whole nursing home thing, and it will be gone within a few months. So I'm afraid she is a nursing home patient forever. If only one of the many places she has been in had known about this med, she might not have ended up in a dementia ward for the most extreme cases. But I'm not going to get going on that now.

In other animal news, we almost lost my cat Lacey this week. On Wednesday evening it became apparent she wasn't well. She didn't eat, just laid there and slept. So on Thursday morning I took her to the vet and left her there for the day so they could evaluate her. She had a fever of 104.8, and they gave her an IV, antibiotics, and a NSAID to try and bring it down. Friday morning her temp was still 104.2. So she stayed another day, while they tried to get her better. Her right eye was swollen shut, and they had to remove a small piece of grass from under her third eyelid. We'll never know if she was sick from an eye infection, or if it was a virus. But it didn't look good for a while. But on Saturday morning her temp was normal, and I was able to bring her home. She's still on an antibiotic and has to stay in for a week. She's feeling so much better though, that she follows me around the house yelling at me because I won't let her out. It's annoying, but I'm just happy that she is well again.

Rolling!

Noble in the middle of a good roll.

Just an update

I have been so neglectful of this blog. It looks like my life might calm down a bit because my mom is now in a nursing home in Bennington, Vermont. It's hard to visit, because she is in a dementia unit with people who are the worst of cases. When I saw her last week, she was very out of it, but still begged me to take her home. It really is heartbreaking to have to leave your mother in this situation. The staff is very caring, but it is institutional there. They have her on a new medication, that my brother feels has helped her awareness. We'll see how it goes.

Meanwhile, I have been working on a freelance writing job for a local school district's newsletter that is occupying all my free time. The poor horses don't see much of me, between two jobs and visiting my mom. I'm hoping to make time for them in the near future. I really need to get back on a horse for my own confidence, which took a serious hit last summer when Sailor threw me for the second time. It's awful, after 12 years of riding 3-4 times/week, to suddenly be totally afraid to get on even old Noble. And I hate myself for it. There's a new equine facility that opened near me that offers lessons, and I'm thinking of taking a lesson or two on a school horse just to get my confidence back. It's really crazy to take care of two horses that I don't ride.

Work at the bookstore keeps me very occupied. We have 17 author events in June, which is a lot considering I am a one-person department - and I work part-time. Fortunately July is shaping up to have only 11 events, which is much more manageable for me. Our big "star" author is Michael Lang, the creator/producer of the original Woodstock Festival in 1969. He has a book coming out called The Road to Woodstock, and it's fascinating reading. You get all the dirt on what went on behind the scenes. I worked in the press tent at the 1994 Woodstock Festival, and bumped into Michael Lang, but never officially met him. So this should be interesting. He's sort of an enigmatic person, so we'll see how open he is in person. Anybody near Manchester, Vermont on July 25, come on over and meet him and relive the old hippie days!

Horse stuff

Sailor looks at me over her shoulder.

Noble stares through the fence.

No change

Wish I had better news to report. My mother continues to decline. She is still in the hospital, awaiting nursing home placement. I was told today by an elder care manager that the only places that will take someon as severe as she is are in Massachusetts. The one place that has said they can take her is in Pittsfield, MA, about 1 1/2 hr. from me. But they do not have a bed for her. I cannot bear to see her suffer like this. If she is awake, she is agitated and fearful. Now she has started crying unconsolably for no reason. Because the insurance company is still refusing to pay the hospital, they don't seem motivated to try and help her. The have a geriatric psychiatry unit (where she should be) but they won't move her there. We changed her insurance to a better plan, but that doesn't take effect until June 1. It's hard enough to see your mom suffer like this, but having a bureaucracy working against you makes it even worse. My brother and I are emotionally and psychologically exhausted. It's like the past 2 months have been one long emergency that never ends. It's getting hard to go on (and really hard to stay focused at work), but we don't have any choice.

It gets worse

Since my last entry, things have gone totally downhill with my mom. The Tuesday after Mother's Day, she bit a staff member at assisted living, and we were told we had to get her out that day. I found a very nice private home (state licensed) that would take her. The first day wasn't too bad, but the second day she became so violent and out of control the woman had no choice but to bring her to the ER at a local hospital. She is still there, and constantly medicated to the point of being bedridden so she is not combative. It is a pitiful sight, she is barely conscious, unable to feed herself, and tied to the bed. I cannot believe this has happened in a matter of weeks. Her insurance company is refusing to pay for her hospital admission, saying she doesn't need the care. We cannot find a nursing home that will take her with her severe dementia issues. This is a nightmare that doesn't end. Fortunately, she has a DNR order. I am at the point where death would be kinder than the existence that she has been sentenced to. For a woman who spent her entire life giving to others, this is a cruel way to finish her final years.

Happy Mother's Day

For Mother's Day, my entire family took my mom out to Friendly's for ice cream sundaes. Given her current state, we figured it was what she could handle. She seemed to enjoy herself (even though she's still groggy from the med she's taking). Afterward, we all went back to the assisted living place where she is staying and visited for a while. She was happy until everyone started leaving. For some reason, she acted like she was there for the first day, and was only looking at the place. She was shocked when I told her she had to stay. Then she got mad and agitated and demanded her car keys so she could leave and go home. She hasn't driven since last August. So the visit started nice but ended unhappy. I'm hoping when we change her medication she won't be as confused so she can understand things better. You can tell she's over medicated because her eyes are only half open like someone who is stoned. I feel bad for her, but we can't make her understand that she cannot take care of herself anymore. The place she is staying is absolutely gorgeous and wonderful, and staffed by extremely caring people. I just wish she was happier.

On the horse side, I let Noble and Sailor down into our front paddock (borders the road) for the first time this year. They ran down the hill like a couple of kids and got all excited when they saw how nice the grass was. So the horses had a good day. And I really think I should get Sailor a grazing muzzle, because she just can't control herself.